Madman Escapes from Sybase

By Jennifer Lopez
The once quiet village of Redmond, Washington has become a hotbed of scary things with the revelation that Ben Von Ullrich (pictured here with his attorney Rocco Shrubsworth) has moved the secret headquarters of his terrorist organization from Albany, California northwards to the bucolic shores of Lake Sammamish.

Von Ullrich, the former castanets player in the Sybase Marching Band, is thought to be responsible for numerous acts of terror in the Bay Area, including the baking of inedible cookies, the frightening of marketing chicks with his evil sneer, and causing Emeryville's 65th St. railroad crossing gates to close when there were no trains coming.

He is now believed to be training a cadre of squirrels in his backyard. These "suicide squirrels" will run out in front of moving cars, causing them to swerve dangerously. Other squirrels are being trained to surreptitiously crawl into databases and cause blockages with acorns. "Yep, he's squirrelly," said Von Ullrich's boy-toy Bill Gates. "I thought he moved here to be closer to me, but now I think it's just the squirrels."

Authorities believe that this is just the first step in a campaign of terror that may eventually cause a giant asteroid to crash into the earth, leading to the fiery destruction of the entire human race.

Von Ullrich's mother (who was played by Sandra Bullock in the true-life movie Speed) was quoted as saying "He's really a good boy, he's just had too many Cocoa Puffs."